We out here we out here.
some raw & real thoughts from yours truly
So I had a long blog written telling a bunch of stories of the things that I’ve been walking through in these past few weeks, but I feel like even those stories were an attempt to prove something to myself and others. To somehow prove that I'm okay in the midst of this refining season. So instead of telling all of those stories, I just want to say this: Freedom comes in coming undone. I think over the years, I’ve come undone just enough to let the Lord in on the comfortable parts of my life. But what I’m saying is that freedom comes in coming FULLY undone before the Lord—in showing Him the parts that you yourself are too scared to look at. Freedom comes when you invite Him in and say, “Lord, I don’t know all that’s buried deep inside of me, but I’m willing to take a look inside and let You bring healing.” I’m not saying dig up old wounds, but I am encouraging you to take a step into the unknown places of your heart. For me, I’ve been convincing myself and trying to convince others all these years that I’m “not that bad.” Essentially, I’ve been trying to be perfect, knowing in my head that I’m not, but acting in my heart like I am. This causes me to get upset and strive to do better, rather than accept my sins and shortcomings. I don’t give myself grace when I fail, and I‘m not quick to accept the grace of Jesus in my life. And I’m done. Done being perfect in my own power. Done trying to prove something to myself and the people around me. I wrote a blog 8 months ago while I was on the Race about this shell that has been on me my whole life, and this is one thing I said:
I’ve realized over the past few months that I have this tendency to try to be perfect. I want to do the coolest things, be the best person I can be, and succeed more than the people around me. And when that’s not the case, I shut down. It’s really hard for me to accept the fact that I have flaws, that I will fail people, that not everyone will like me. That I’m a real human and being a real human means having real emotions and real struggles and real pain. When I mess up, I’m hard on myself not because I think I’m a bad person, but because I’m not good enough, and the solution is to “do better,” to be “more perfect”. But that’s actually not the solution at all. The solution is to accept the fact that I’m not good enough in my own power and put my hope in a God who is. The solution is to look at myself and say, Mikayla, it’s okay that you’re not enough, because God is. I’ve been reading this book, Nothing to Prove, and it’s been WRECKING me beyond belief. I’m serious though, when my friend Caitlin gave me this book for Christmas, I literally thought to myself: I don’t struggle with striving, I’m good, I don’t think this book is for me.” But that’s exactly why the book was for me.... throughout reading this book, I’ve had to come face to face with my inadequacy and accept the fact that I’m not enough. I’ve learned that freedom comes in being okay not being enough. Freedom comes in letting down the wall of striving and saying “this is it, this is me, and that’s okay.” In my life, I face this constant battle of feeling like I need to be happy all the time to be perfect. That showing real emotions like sadness and anger and fear are somehow not “Christ-like” of me. So when I have those emotions, I either shut myself down for feeling the emotion or retreat from people to try to figure out what’s going on. And I don’t think either of those are actually Biblical. Because in shutting myself down, I’m not giving the Lord a chance to minister to me, and in that retreat, I’m attempting to maintain my image of perfection and acting like I don’t have any real issues. But that’s all wrong. Nothing is wrong in feeling an emotion, that’s HUMAN. The freedom comes in deciding what to do with that emotion. Instead of asking Him to take an emotion away, we should ask Him to give us what we need in that moment. So I’m sitting in my apartment one recent Saturday evening, feeling numb and apathetic, desperately asking the Lord to meet me where I'm at, and I close my eyes and get this picture of myself, walking up the stairs to join a feast with Jesus that He had prepared. And I get up the stairs and make eye contact with Jesus and I feel ashamed, timid, broken, so unworthy to be in His presence. Rather than rejoicing in being in the Lord’s presence, I’m ashamed because for once I realize how broken I really am. But Jesus touches me on the shoulder and says, “my daughter, I know you. I see every part of you and I love who you are. You are free to be yourself. Come undone, my child.” Freedom comes in coming undone. And let me tell you, I LOST IT that night. On my knees, tears streaming down my face, so much so that I can barely breathe. Yet, in the midst of that messiness, it was one of the most freeing moments of my life. Because I was sitting undone before the Lord. And I felt His compassion. And I felt free to not have it all together. I was free to just be me. The Lord doesn’t just love you when you’re in a great mood. He doesn’t just hear you when you “have it all together”. NO! He loves you when you first wake up, with no makeup and morning breath. He loves you in that moment when you’re feeling numb, binge watching that tenth episode of New Girl. He even loves you when you’re so deep in sin that you can’t bear to look Him in the eyes. Because it’s not about what you do, it’s about who you are. And if you know Jesus, then you are His. And in those moments when you aren’t enough, that’s okay, because He is.
So, dear reader, find freedom in being real before the Lord, in being real with yourself and accepting the fact that you don’t have it all together, and knowing that it's okay. Find freedom in knowing that God sacrificed His Son so that we can be made whole by His blood. Find freedom knowing that you are only enough because He is enough, and without Him, you are powerless. Love who you are and who the Lord created you to be. Give yourself freedom to be imperfect. And in that imperfection, look to an Almighty God who has made you perfect in His image, who has freed you from a life of striving and numbness and disappointments. Come undone, and let Jesus be enough. Seek the Lord while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. [Isaiah 55:6-9]
5 Comments
Roxanna Hartel
1/27/2019 09:32:00 am
Mikayla, this is powerful!
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Dan Shogren
1/27/2019 10:55:49 am
Well said! Beautiful.
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Dad
1/27/2019 11:17:05 am
thank you for sharing. very helpful life advice! #proud Dad
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Jan
1/27/2019 11:49:54 pm
When I’m undone, the air I breathe is sweeter. My heart, softer. My tears are freer and gosh do I love Him even deeper! Thank you for revealing the heart of Christ my dearest friend. <3
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Ash
1/28/2019 11:07:57 am
MK, this is beautiful and honest and real. Thank you for sharing your insights and experiences with the Lord. I am so proud of you!
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past postswhich way leads to life? visionI love sharing what the Lord is doing in my life! And I hope that my experiences can encourage you, and most importantly, that you are pointed to the grace & love of Jesus. |