We out here we out here.
some raw & real thoughts from yours truly
Well it’s been about 4 months since I’ve been back from the World Race. I have no idea where the time went, and I’m honestly surprised that it’s already been that long.... To be honest, I feel like I’ve been in this never-ending state of transition since being home. America is busy. People are busy, and I’ve gotten caught up in feeling like I always need to be “doing” something. The very habits that I worked hard to break have come back more than ever. I’ve gotten lazy, apathetic, and feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. The day I stepped foot on American soil, I quickly threw myself into constant activity—daily one on ones, driving hours on end to catch up friends, and overcommitting myself to different activities. I felt like I barely blinked and suddenly I was off once again. Three weeks after I got back to Wheaton, I packed up my bedroom and moved all of my things across the country to start a new journey in Lynchburg, Virginia. My hopes were high to thrive in grad school, find a well-paying job, find a church where I felt connected and meet an amazing community of Jesus-loving people who would become my best friends. So easy, right?? Needless to say, none of those things happened the way I thought. The job search process took over 2 months, I still haven’t really found a church, and finding community is tough. And my motivation is dwindling. All in all, transition is not in the least what I expected. But that’s okay. For a while, I was beating myself over the head wondering why I was here. Wondering why things didn't turn out the way I thought they would. My tendency when I’m stressed is to take my life into my own hands and control everything. So, in this season, I began to turn inward and let my circumstances and the people around me define who I was. I found myself depending on people and not fully thinking for myself. I threw myself into applying for any and every job because that seemed to be the only thing I had control over. Oh, and then there’s the lies. They came louder than ever--you’re not worthy, you’re not confident, you’re never going to be free, you’re never going to be good enough. The voices kept getting louder and louder, and I started to believe them. So much so, that I started to doubt myself and who God created me to be. I was becoming more and more unhealthy, and I didn’t even notice because I had started to tune the Lord’s voice out too. I feel like I've just been wandering in the wilderness, trying to find my way by myself and getting very lost. All of this angst was building up more and more and I just kept shoving it away and thinking everything was fine. That’s my natural tendency anyway—to go on autopilot and shut off my brain for a while. And then one night I just snapped. I dropped to my knees and wept before The Lord. And wept and wept and wept as He wrapped me in His arms. Praise God that He’s steadfast and faithful despite my wandering! I wish I could say that after that night, I experienced complete breakthrough and healing and everything is fine and dandy now...but that’s just not true. I’m learning in this season that there’s joy in the process. Fruit doesn’t just bloom overnight—it’s a tough season of watering and planting and carefully tending to the garden. And joy doesn’t mean that I need to have a smile on my face and pretend it’s fine. No, joy means that I’m choosing to put my hope in The Lord despite my circumstances. I’m choosing to walk through the wilderness, even when I want to just sit down and sulk. And the best news is, Jesus is walking hand in hand with me. After that first night of crying on my knees, I’ve had many more nights like it. And each time, I experience a little bit of breakthrough. I don’t usually have big revelations or crazy Holy Spirit moments, but its breakthrough all the same. God just wants our hearts and our “yes”. And in this season, crying before Him is my form of a “yes”. Because in my weakness, He is strong. In all of my sorrows, The Lord gives me strength! Even when I run and ignore His voice, He continues to pursue me. Just because a season doesn’t match our expectations does NOT mean it’s a fail. And hard seasons definitely do not define who we are. In the wilderness, we have a choice: we can either sit down, sulk, and let our circumstances define us, OR we can stand up, take up our cross and follow Jesus. And the best news: we don’t have to DO anything! Growth is a process, and if our hearts are postured towards Him, He is working. This doesn’t mean every day will be amazing, but I’m learning that that’s okay. I’m learning to celebrate the little victories and TRUST that God is guiding me every step of the way. Even when I can’t see the light, I know it’s there because God NEVER leads us astray. Lord, I trust You in this season to continue to refine me and develop fruits in me that I’ve never had before. Thanks that you are always walking with me in the wilderness, and that you’re relentlessly pursuing me every single day. In You I have value and in You I find my strength. In Jesus’ name, Amen!! For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. [Hebrews 12:11]
6 Comments
Abby
10/26/2018 08:44:26 pm
YAY so good!! Thanks for sharing your heart sweet one.
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Stephanie
10/26/2018 10:29:48 pm
This might be my very favorite blog post of yours! Thanks for being so honest (and relatable.. the post-race struggle is real!) Keep choosing yes! God's got you always!
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Ashykins
10/26/2018 11:36:33 pm
MK wow, I'm so proud of you. This is beautifully written, powerfully honest, and such a sweet inside view of what's going on in your life right now. Post race life isn't always what it's cracked up to be! I love you and I'm praying for you!
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Emmy
10/27/2018 07:43:14 am
So good Mikayla! Thanks for being so real and willing to share all of these things! Proud of you! Love and miss ya!
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Joe Zeyak Jr
10/27/2018 04:29:47 pm
Miki your post are like fresh water to me-I've been in foreign ministry for 40 years now so I know there are dry and hard times but your post bless me, challenge me and encourage me-I'm so glad your continuing to share your journey and life through this blog. praying for you-your amazing-bless you!
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grace
10/29/2018 09:49:53 pm
Well said. I feel this...life is hard -_- and it sucks when expectations aren't met. I'm glad I got to read this! praying for you mikayla! <3
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past postswhich way leads to life? visionI love sharing what the Lord is doing in my life! And I hope that my experiences can encourage you, and most importantly, that you are pointed to the grace & love of Jesus. |