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some raw & real thoughts from yours truly
[Friendship]: a connection or mutual trust between two people. A connection that has existed since the dawn of creation. Friendships can often times be the biggest blessings in our lives, but they can also be the biggest source of our pain and anxieties. What even is a healthy friendship supposed to look like? What is a healthy vs unhealthy friendship? In my opinion, the media has wrongly portrayed what friendships are even supposed to be. Bear with me people: this blog is kind of weighty, but it’s a topic that I’ve been processing with the Lord for a few weeks now, and I’m hoping that it brings freedom to those wading through similar waters. I’m writing this blog because I’m in the process of figuring out what healthy, Godly friendships look like, because I think I’ve had it wrong over the years. Before we look at friendships, I want to first look at idolatry. (buckle in, ppl) In this day and age, it’s so easy to place people or things above God. Even good things that seem Godly and amazing! If that “Godly thing” isn’t God himself, then it’s an idol. I would define an idol as where your mind goes when it’s wandering. If your mind is consistently going to one thing, then that thing is most likely an idol (unless it’s the Lord—if that’s the case, that’s amazing, keep it up). And that thing could be anything—a friendship, relationship, social media, clothes, your phone, your physical appearance, etc. Or think of it this way, is there something in your life that you can’t imagine not having? A sort of “well at least I have…” mentality to the point where you don’t know who you’d be without this person/thing. If that's your mentality towards a friendship or relationship, then it’s probably an idol in your life. Join the club & let’s walk through this together. For as long as I can remember, I’ve placed friendships as one of the highest priorities in my life. In pretty much every season that I can remember, I’ve had one person that is my “best friend” who I latch onto and put the majority of my time and effort towards. We are joined at the hip, do everything together, and the people around us can’t imagine one without the other. It’s fun for a while—months, maybe years even—but as our identities continue to intertwine, we slowly drift deeper and deeper into this place of unhealth where we start arguing more and loving less. We become more and more drained by each other, trying to have conflict resolution, but never really seeing any change or results. These unhealthy friendship cycles would never really get resolved; something would eventually shift in the external world (new semester, summer, one of us gets a boyfriend, etc) that would naturally draw us apart from one another, leaving behind bitterness and hurt. And instead of letting myself feel that hurt or pain from the abrupt ending of the friendship, I would simply find a new friend to replace that ever-longing void in my soul. For years and years, I’ve gotten stuck in this endless cycle. Moving from person to person, getting what I can get from them, sucking them dry, and moving onto the next, ignoring all hurt and pain. And I didn’t see anything wrong because I thought that’s what friendship was. But God did not intend for us to live this way. For my whole life, I’ve had the wrong definition of what healthy friendships look like. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had many amazing, Godly friendships over the years that are healthy and great. I’m not talking about those friendships. I’m talking about the specific friendships that I’ve held on a pedestal in my head at a higher value than others. Usually it’s one or two people in any given season of my life. And holding one friendship (or relationship) above others can quickly birth idolatry and sin. For me, when I have someone I can call a “best friend,” it can be really easy for me to start to find security in that one person and place a part of my identity in that person. And when seasons get tough, I begin to have the mindset “well, at least I have _____ in my life. I don’t know what I would do without her/him.” Friends, the only person we should be saying that about is Jesus. Not even marriage should be like that! If we are trying to be filled by a friendship or relationship, we will continuously find ourselves coming up empty. Here’s why: When God created Adam and Eve, He created them as equals, each with different qualities. He never meant for them to be the same person—He created them differently for a reason with qualities that complemented each other and built each other up. I believe this mindset can be applied to all friendships and relationships. Healthy friendship is two individuals coming together with the purpose of building each other up in love and enjoying one another. Healthy friendship does not mean that you do everything together. Healthy friendship also doesn’t mean that you get along all the time. In fact, healthy conflict is good in every friendship! Problems arise when two people come together and lose sight of who they are in the process. Problems arise when one friend starts to need something from the other that they were never meant to give away. God created YOU uniquely to be YOU. And when you enter into any friendship or relationship, it’s important that you don’t lose sight of who you are. If you’re ever trying to make someone be who they aren’t or if you see yourself changing who you are to fit the relationship, get out of it! If you’re constantly worrying and anxious about a friendship or relationship, it’s probably either not from the Lord, or you are idolizing this relationship. Either way, some action needs to be taken. When you find yourself constantly trying to control your friend or be around him/her all the time, I’d encourage you to check your heart. And I don’t mean this in a shameful way, because I’m right there in the dirt with you, just now starting to uncover the depths of these issues. BOTTOM LINE: Nothing in our lives should replace God. And if we get to that point in a friendship when we’re thinking “I don’t know what I would do without this person” then we’ve given part of our identity over to that person. We’ve lost a part of who we are, and God never intended for this! The only constant in our lives is Jesus Christ himself. He is our sure and steadfast anchor of the soul (Hebrews 6:9), our God of all Comfort, who comforts us in ALL our afflictions (2 Corinthians 1:4). Sure, there may be people in our lives that will be there for years and years to come, but we are not guaranteed this! Therefore, we must hold loosely to the people in our lives, knowing that they are gifts from The Lord! So, if you’re in this place like I am, drained and exhausted from unhealthy friendships, bearing the weight of sin that seems almost too heavy to bear, hope is not lost. If the Lord has been knocking on your heart while reading this, press into that! Sit with Him and ask him to bring unhealthy friendships to the surface. Ask Him to show you where you may be at fault and need to take ownership in your friendships. And then, TAKE ACTION! Take ownership of your life and make a change. God is so good you guys. He is such a Father, and He really does give good gifts. Letting go of certain friendships can allow space for God to bring new, unexpected people into your life! And when I say let go of a friendship, I don’t mean that you need to cut off that friendship completely. Rather, I mean let go of that need in your heart to be satisfied by that one person. And one way to start to loosen those ties is by setting boundaries in your friendships. (I would definitely recommend reading Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, it’s seriously wrecked my perspective on everything.) I know it can seem scary to set boundaries or make changes to a friendship, even if it’s making you miserable. But I promise you, there will be freedom in the end. God blesses the sacrifices we offer up to Him, and if we give Him our “yes”, He will bring the rest. These days, I've been trying to change my perspective from one of needing people to one that cries: "well, at least I have Jesus." It's not easy, let me tell you. But God is faithful, and He is the ONLY constant in this ever-changing world. He is the ONLY one we can truly rely on, and He is enough. I pray that you would have friendships that are fruitful and overflowing in love, life, and laughter. I pray that you have people in your life who are spurring you on towards the gospel and calling you higher each day. And if you’re in a place where you’re walking in an unhealthy friendship or relationship, I pray that the Lord would grant you the strength to step up and make a change in your life. I pray for the peace of the Holy Spirit to guide you every step of the way. Above all, I pray that God would make Himself ever-more known to you and that you would feel his tender, healing hand in your life. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. [Philippians 4:7]
9 Comments
Rebekah Melton
12/7/2018 07:44:35 pm
Mikayla! This is so amazing! Love you and miss you friend! You are such a gifted writer!:)
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Roxanna Hartel
12/7/2018 11:27:38 pm
Wise words, Mikayla!
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Grace
12/8/2018 01:27:44 am
<3
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Carmen
12/8/2018 12:40:57 pm
Good word, keep processing and keep writing!
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Elizabeth
12/8/2018 05:07:09 pm
Hi Mikayla! My small group studied the Cloud and Townsend Boundaries book this summer- sounds like you got a lifetime’s worth of knowledge from it! I would add that everything you wrote goes for healthy marriages too. Keep reaching for meaning in every hurt and joy in life, and keep writing! Xo
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Jessie philbrick
12/9/2018 12:49:50 am
love this one Mikayla <3 can’t wait to see u soon
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AshBash
12/9/2018 12:18:41 pm
MK, yes. This is so good. Relationships are hard and we long so deeply to be known and seen and loved. It's so often easier to seek those things from people because it's tangible. But it will always be a cheapened version of what God always intended for us to receive from HIM. Love you big, monster!
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Sara Barty
12/9/2018 04:36:12 pm
I'm so encouraged and challenged by these words! Praying that prayer for myself, you, and everyone!
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Dad
12/10/2018 07:24:24 am
thank you- very helpful writing and words of wisdom
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